Wow. i havent written in a long time.

I dont know what the max house has done to me. I dont know if it has been positive or negative. I fell in love with a group of people here. but half of them will leave when the lease is up. I feel disgustingly broken hearted about the whole thing. I know they will be back. But who will they be? and who will i be?

i feel selfish, because i know its best for them to leave. Peace. To settle the desire to run. I wish that i could do the same. But i need to finish school.

I have been really depressed over the past few years. Up and down and up and down. Mental breakdowns in my room shaking and crying thinking that i am going absolutely insane. Hoping for someone to step in and take me to a room with padded walls. Faux fur coats, wine, laying in the middle of the street, meaningless touch, dancing, partying, crying, and lying...none of which filled the void. Reality started to curve, and my rational mind faded. It was up or out.

I gave in. Because as high as the highs were, the lows were so much lower, and the highs became so scarce and short lived. I let them medicate me for bipolar disorder. I have been against meds all my life. Up or out. i had to do whatever it took to go up.

I have felt clarity. I feel human. i can sleep, and eat, and wake up and get out of bed in the morning. I realized what i forgot. This isnt about me. It never was. Silly of me to be so selfish. Silly of me to be so ignorant.

I decided to change my life in order to help the ones i love. I picked myself up, right when everyone else fell down. Now i can help them up.

I'm not crazy. That was a giant realization i have recently had. I mean im fucking nuts. But im not crazy. This house has taught me that. I am completely and totally rational in the daily world. I know what matters. I keep the peace, and my mind is honestly open. The way that i think, is nothing more than the way that i think, but as long as it is not destructive in the way that i act to the people around me, then i am okay.

I am in search for some kind of truth. Something real. Love, passion, peace. All of it. Apathy is no more. How did human beings get so off course? I am growing more and more in touch with who i am as a person, and who i am as another leaf in this world. Significantly insignificant.

Im letting myself get hurt, because i let myself love. It fucking sucks. But its real. Im feeling something, and that is all that i have wanted for a long time.

I dont worry about certain people. It's strange. I can't explain the feeling at all. It's a connection stronger than this lifetime. Stronger than life, and stronger than time. Not romantic, not friendship, but soul? Something bigger than the body i think. Communication without words, and understanding without explanation.

Signing onto another year of this madness. New awesome people moving in, max house population growing to 14 i think? Need to find a couple more people. Trying to make peace with losing a couple. nothing is permanent. Its funny the people that come back into our lives. Soul mates of all kinds.

Been dancing, hip and hop and breaking. makin some dough. workin at whole foods. making the best of the repetitive motions. hoping for an epic summer.

best friends baby is on the way. <3

I hope everyone else is doing well. Peace and love.