Turned 21 homies.
hopped around some bars. quite fun. movin into a new place. check the myspace yo for pictures. been trippin n paintin. super duper fun. going to officially move probably tomorrow.
kinda been going to some silly raver parties. just waitin for the next good night. things have been whacky. a lot of unexpected weird feelings that have kinda tripped me out a little bit. but thats good, need to be thrown out of my element sometimes i suppose.
Sunday nights at Rosie Mccanns..
Paul Sweet Crew, and Counterculture collective present...
The Lab,
hosted by Mad Zach.
starting Feb 8th. Will be rad and super freaky. Everyone will go if you know whats good for you.
I must hunt down mistress Jade and force her to make music with me so we can make an album cuz we are cool like that. Basically jammin with her and Zach is what i need right now.
desperate for a little bit of a change. trying to discover where i want to go from here. So many directions but so lost about which way to go. anyways i guess im still super young, but i feel pressed for time.
A few words...
The last time I looked inside myself I didn’t open my eyes.
I couldn’t make the connection between my mind and body.
They are two separate entities like a rock and a river or a tree and a leaf.
Connected for reasons far beyond my control or understanding.
I know that they are connected because I can feel the physical pain that my emotions have created.
I can remember the taste of nothing and I miss it.
I have watched my body grow from what it was once, to what it is now,
But my awareness of the growing within my mind is less obvious.
I seek it nonetheless.
I seek growth in my mind, to discover truth for what it really is.
I seek the secrets that only water holds because it is part of a cycle that has existed much longer than my own.
It holds nothing back, if I were only looking in the right place.
It would tell me that my existence is the equivalent to a fallen leaf, for it has watched as many humans fall, as I have watched leaves fall from a tree.
Yet I feel purpose and I spend my days in search for some kind of never ending substance to fill my veins.
The earths veins flow freely with water; rivers and waterfalls tickling the silent sand.
Sometimes it is destructive, and other times constructive, but always ending in peace.
I lack the outcome, and my body is filled with wars that are neither destructive or constructive but just simply fight on.
Between my mind and body.
Life that was once so simple, such a gift, destroyed so selfishly.
Another fallen leaf is all I will be.
Next time I look inside myself I will let my eyes open.
I will only see my mind because my body is what lacks purpose.
What could my mind accomplish if I weren’t so lost in my body.
The image that it creates and the reactions that it awaits.
My own judgment is the only enemy, which is created by my mind.
My mind is my enemy to my body.
Two holy units that make up my existence incapable of peace.
Wishing for natures intentions of harmonious coexistence.
Knowing my mind reigns supreme.
I let my body fall.
burning man tickets on sale soon. not going to come fast enough....
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
pocket fairy and a magicallll wand.
So our birthday party was off the hook. I need to post pictures and videos. It was sooo super silly. turned out to be HUGE, but we held it down. we are getting super good at it. If anyone needs a party thrown, let me know, our crew got it.
All the dj's had new super silly stuff that they made for that night especially which was awesome. Some gangstas showed up as usual, but we made them put neon poof balls on their city hats. So it was good. pushin people out of their element is what we are all about.
Katie and i THREW down. basically we wrote a sick rap about our life here and our homies, and showed it to zack, so he could make some beats when we performed. but he got sSUPER into it, wrote a faaat beat, and had us rehearsing for hours, and digs it, so we are going to be rappin at some more parties i hope? it was awesome. stay tuned on that note.
i love all my friends. more than i could ever imagine. i have always been really blessed with really good friends in my life, and a lot of people that care about me. its awesome. i cant even put words to the feeling i have about my life right now.
its also weird how someone so random can turn into someone so magical for my life right now. but the fortune said so. fortunes dont lie. not on new years day.
i think im going to play hermit for a while. get some things done. gonna start having saturdays off. registered for pretend school today. taking a philosophy and acting class. i want to act, i think i could be good at it. cant wait to move into a new place, and clear my mind. want to take a trip to san fran soon.
but more than anything. i need a week. in the forest. with all the fellas from the dub and sweet crew. in a bubble, with music, and laughter, and maybe tears. we're all in need of it. so bad.
gotta get back into the jive. i think katie and i are going to start using the parties for good. fundraisers for good causes and whatnot.
So i retire from the scene i think, until february 6th. Chinese New Year party at 1015.
awesome line up. cant even wait its going to be craaaazy.
tata for now.
All the dj's had new super silly stuff that they made for that night especially which was awesome. Some gangstas showed up as usual, but we made them put neon poof balls on their city hats. So it was good. pushin people out of their element is what we are all about.
Katie and i THREW down. basically we wrote a sick rap about our life here and our homies, and showed it to zack, so he could make some beats when we performed. but he got sSUPER into it, wrote a faaat beat, and had us rehearsing for hours, and digs it, so we are going to be rappin at some more parties i hope? it was awesome. stay tuned on that note.
i love all my friends. more than i could ever imagine. i have always been really blessed with really good friends in my life, and a lot of people that care about me. its awesome. i cant even put words to the feeling i have about my life right now.
its also weird how someone so random can turn into someone so magical for my life right now. but the fortune said so. fortunes dont lie. not on new years day.
i think im going to play hermit for a while. get some things done. gonna start having saturdays off. registered for pretend school today. taking a philosophy and acting class. i want to act, i think i could be good at it. cant wait to move into a new place, and clear my mind. want to take a trip to san fran soon.
but more than anything. i need a week. in the forest. with all the fellas from the dub and sweet crew. in a bubble, with music, and laughter, and maybe tears. we're all in need of it. so bad.
gotta get back into the jive. i think katie and i are going to start using the parties for good. fundraisers for good causes and whatnot.
So i retire from the scene i think, until february 6th. Chinese New Year party at 1015.
awesome line up. cant even wait its going to be craaaazy.
tata for now.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Words are all i got.
Some pieces i have written here in santa cruz, and old ones from back in the day.
One day i began to take myself apart.
Piece by piece i disassembled what they have built.
My fake hair, and colored nails slowly vanished, and my true awkwardness shown through.
My body became misshaped and my skin paled.
The argument of nature versus nurture has slowly defeated itself.
It has grown to be certain that our true nature has become overridden by this corrupt nurture.
That is what i am attempting to erase.
I am taking myself apart, layer by later until my true nature is revealed,
in search of the woman that i am meant to be, by calling back that child that is still hidden somewhere deep within me.
It is a bold move.
I am utterly disgusted with humanity at this point.
My generation has let me down by accepting the parts they have forced us to play, on this stage that they have so carefully designed for us.
Whether they did it on purpose or not no longer matters, the point is, it is time to shout cut.
Time to take of their perfectly stitched costumes of designer brands, and bloody jewels.
Time to wash our faces clean of dripping mascara and our bodies free of the drugs that numb us.
We need to write our own scripts free of the bibles they handed us, and the technology that has made us stagnant.
I am in search of a solution.
We will push our creativity to the max, encouraging others to think outside the script.
Shock the audience.
Step
Chairs flying with pumpkins and guitars floating through humans
psychic band aids knew where the cuts would be.
They were kind of right all along.
I knew it.
It never really rained but its a good thing we wore helmets.
Its clearly evident that the power lies in the hands of the man at the turn table.
Spinning the spun.
I'm a little bit scared, but more intrigued.
By the madness of the night.
Which was easily forgotten when the sun came up and the light hit our faces.
But the darkness is what exposed who we really are
The light is just another mask.
In a long dark tunnel with no source of light you are vulnerable and left senseless.
But the tiniest flicker can make the connection between your mind and the world.
our bicycles go at different rates
but we all end up at the same place
Someone should really close the front door.
Put the pumpkins back in the basket.
If your confused its just itunes.
step.
pass on the slap.
Old Stuff....
false world. False society set up by contradictory minds. Brilliant in an ignorant and foolish way. Enough understanding to manipulate all the followers. They discovered our weakness. They know our fears. The fear of the judgment of society the fear of failures. They created our failures. They created the money that put us on the streets and they've created the mindless jobs that turn us into drones and put us in houses. To be a drone is to be fearful and to be an outcast is to be brave, although our society sees it as the opposite. They are smart enough to know that as long as fear embellishes, love is not possible. As long as love is out of sight war is made to be a solution. They were smart, the creators of this society, because to love one is to love all, and to love all is to know truth, but to choose to be a part of this society is to have chosen falsity rather than truth. They understood human emotion and how dangerous it is for us to be individuals and speak our minds without their power being questioned. So they invented a false world where they can live their simple thoughtless and emotionless lives with all the wrong riches. They created a world where they will never know truth. As smart as they were, they were more foolish. They were foolish because they now created a world void of real emotion. They have missed out on ever discovering truth. Our society searches for truth in science and mathematics but truth cannot be discovered in our society. Truth can only be discovered when you step outside of our society. Forget your fears because in a false society failure is false as well. Discovery is real and discovery is freedom and discovery is found in truth which is found when we step outside of our manufactured comfort zone. Lets step outside. Lets break free of society. Lets no longer be afraid, and only true to our inner most desires, because our inner most desires can only be pure, for they were not tainted by a false world. There are no good and bad decisions, only decisions and consequences, for good and bad do not exist, except for in the eyes of those running our society. Right and wrong are perception and varies from one discoverer to the next. Follow your heart, but before you do, get to know it. Only when we do this, can we all exist in harmony. Only when we do this, can we find the laziness of peace, and the simplicity of love.
She wakes up each morning so cold and alone.
She always shivers, even when its warm.
To work and back for all hours of the day
Comes home to say goodbye to a friend she wished could stay
Depression takes a toll as all those memories are rushing back
That boy that called her ugly and that girl that took him back
Those nights inside her parents house when her mom had her by her hair
That childhood dream in which her father actually cared
Now she takes a glimpse into her future
And thinks of the boy she presently loves
How he finally made her feel at home
And how shes ashamed of her past even though its done
Regret was never on her mind, no matter who she hurt
Although most of the time she was hurting herself
She still never seemed to care
but then this boy, so familiar from her past
becomes the love of her life, no longer just an old photograph
and now she wishes that every boy she ever kissed
never let her hold him, so what she feels could just exist
shes hesitant with him, so shy to let him love her
because shes scared that maybe hes still dreaming of another,
but if its all true if this feeling is really real
then they could run away, but she knows forever isnt real.
She sees her future as she looks into the night
Bills to pay and jobs to work as the world just continues to fight
She knows shell never have the chance to see the things she wishes
To heal the hate and save the world and take her lovers kisses.
Her head is always playing games, manipulation was like a disease
So when words of truth are spoken, all she sees are fallen leaves.
She looks inside her apartment to the mess upon her floor,
She wishes she could break that mirror, see her reflection no more
It all comes back to her that night, all the pain she ever felt
Its to intense inside her heart and her head wont stop beating
She takes some pills, and takes some more but its not enough
To stop the fears, and stop the thinking, and make herself feel tough.
The only way for her, to finally meet the peace
Is to rest for once in a lifeless somber as days turn into weeks
To rest for a lifetime tangled up in those pink sheets the pain will finally cease
With this in mind she reaches her hand to something
That could end it all and make it all nothing
But then an interruption to these sick little games
A knock at the door, a boy looking for his keys
He looks in her eyes, those familiar tears falling in her hands
Because he watches her cry at night for reasons he doesnt understand
That night he saved her as he lays with her in bed
He doesnt realize what he did for her, what had been going through her head.
That night that boy wasnt suppose to come to her little apartment
Maybe it was fate, just like when they met a year ago
A childhood friend that turned to love and then lifted her from her low
Shell never know the games that life will play on her
Her lifes ups and downs her highs and lows
But her life was never broken and her life wont stay the same
But shell keep playing life, because her life is just a game
One day i began to take myself apart.
Piece by piece i disassembled what they have built.
My fake hair, and colored nails slowly vanished, and my true awkwardness shown through.
My body became misshaped and my skin paled.
The argument of nature versus nurture has slowly defeated itself.
It has grown to be certain that our true nature has become overridden by this corrupt nurture.
That is what i am attempting to erase.
I am taking myself apart, layer by later until my true nature is revealed,
in search of the woman that i am meant to be, by calling back that child that is still hidden somewhere deep within me.
It is a bold move.
I am utterly disgusted with humanity at this point.
My generation has let me down by accepting the parts they have forced us to play, on this stage that they have so carefully designed for us.
Whether they did it on purpose or not no longer matters, the point is, it is time to shout cut.
Time to take of their perfectly stitched costumes of designer brands, and bloody jewels.
Time to wash our faces clean of dripping mascara and our bodies free of the drugs that numb us.
We need to write our own scripts free of the bibles they handed us, and the technology that has made us stagnant.
I am in search of a solution.
We will push our creativity to the max, encouraging others to think outside the script.
Shock the audience.
Step
Chairs flying with pumpkins and guitars floating through humans
psychic band aids knew where the cuts would be.
They were kind of right all along.
I knew it.
It never really rained but its a good thing we wore helmets.
Its clearly evident that the power lies in the hands of the man at the turn table.
Spinning the spun.
I'm a little bit scared, but more intrigued.
By the madness of the night.
Which was easily forgotten when the sun came up and the light hit our faces.
But the darkness is what exposed who we really are
The light is just another mask.
In a long dark tunnel with no source of light you are vulnerable and left senseless.
But the tiniest flicker can make the connection between your mind and the world.
our bicycles go at different rates
but we all end up at the same place
Someone should really close the front door.
Put the pumpkins back in the basket.
If your confused its just itunes.
step.
pass on the slap.
Old Stuff....
false world. False society set up by contradictory minds. Brilliant in an ignorant and foolish way. Enough understanding to manipulate all the followers. They discovered our weakness. They know our fears. The fear of the judgment of society the fear of failures. They created our failures. They created the money that put us on the streets and they've created the mindless jobs that turn us into drones and put us in houses. To be a drone is to be fearful and to be an outcast is to be brave, although our society sees it as the opposite. They are smart enough to know that as long as fear embellishes, love is not possible. As long as love is out of sight war is made to be a solution. They were smart, the creators of this society, because to love one is to love all, and to love all is to know truth, but to choose to be a part of this society is to have chosen falsity rather than truth. They understood human emotion and how dangerous it is for us to be individuals and speak our minds without their power being questioned. So they invented a false world where they can live their simple thoughtless and emotionless lives with all the wrong riches. They created a world where they will never know truth. As smart as they were, they were more foolish. They were foolish because they now created a world void of real emotion. They have missed out on ever discovering truth. Our society searches for truth in science and mathematics but truth cannot be discovered in our society. Truth can only be discovered when you step outside of our society. Forget your fears because in a false society failure is false as well. Discovery is real and discovery is freedom and discovery is found in truth which is found when we step outside of our manufactured comfort zone. Lets step outside. Lets break free of society. Lets no longer be afraid, and only true to our inner most desires, because our inner most desires can only be pure, for they were not tainted by a false world. There are no good and bad decisions, only decisions and consequences, for good and bad do not exist, except for in the eyes of those running our society. Right and wrong are perception and varies from one discoverer to the next. Follow your heart, but before you do, get to know it. Only when we do this, can we all exist in harmony. Only when we do this, can we find the laziness of peace, and the simplicity of love.
She wakes up each morning so cold and alone.
She always shivers, even when its warm.
To work and back for all hours of the day
Comes home to say goodbye to a friend she wished could stay
Depression takes a toll as all those memories are rushing back
That boy that called her ugly and that girl that took him back
Those nights inside her parents house when her mom had her by her hair
That childhood dream in which her father actually cared
Now she takes a glimpse into her future
And thinks of the boy she presently loves
How he finally made her feel at home
And how shes ashamed of her past even though its done
Regret was never on her mind, no matter who she hurt
Although most of the time she was hurting herself
She still never seemed to care
but then this boy, so familiar from her past
becomes the love of her life, no longer just an old photograph
and now she wishes that every boy she ever kissed
never let her hold him, so what she feels could just exist
shes hesitant with him, so shy to let him love her
because shes scared that maybe hes still dreaming of another,
but if its all true if this feeling is really real
then they could run away, but she knows forever isnt real.
She sees her future as she looks into the night
Bills to pay and jobs to work as the world just continues to fight
She knows shell never have the chance to see the things she wishes
To heal the hate and save the world and take her lovers kisses.
Her head is always playing games, manipulation was like a disease
So when words of truth are spoken, all she sees are fallen leaves.
She looks inside her apartment to the mess upon her floor,
She wishes she could break that mirror, see her reflection no more
It all comes back to her that night, all the pain she ever felt
Its to intense inside her heart and her head wont stop beating
She takes some pills, and takes some more but its not enough
To stop the fears, and stop the thinking, and make herself feel tough.
The only way for her, to finally meet the peace
Is to rest for once in a lifeless somber as days turn into weeks
To rest for a lifetime tangled up in those pink sheets the pain will finally cease
With this in mind she reaches her hand to something
That could end it all and make it all nothing
But then an interruption to these sick little games
A knock at the door, a boy looking for his keys
He looks in her eyes, those familiar tears falling in her hands
Because he watches her cry at night for reasons he doesnt understand
That night he saved her as he lays with her in bed
He doesnt realize what he did for her, what had been going through her head.
That night that boy wasnt suppose to come to her little apartment
Maybe it was fate, just like when they met a year ago
A childhood friend that turned to love and then lifted her from her low
Shell never know the games that life will play on her
Her lifes ups and downs her highs and lows
But her life was never broken and her life wont stay the same
But shell keep playing life, because her life is just a game
i realize all i ever write about is how lame our society is. give me some new topics world. i think they are to come......
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year.
2009 has been good to me so far. It started weird. Super weird. Culture shock a little bit. i was humbled though and blessings sometimes come in disguise.
Had a wonderful night with good people. Unfortunately sound went out at the Giza, and Mad Zack and R2 got cut short, but the party lived on at the house. It was interesting. I havent been enjoying the parties lately.
I am ridiculously blessed to have the friends that i do. I am in the company of some wonderful people. I like that i can be friends with the lovely gentlemen that i am friends with, that have changed my life so deeply, and be so greatly respected as a human. I am glad that i am not one of those girls. I am feeling good about the person that i am.
I feel like people are not going to parties with the same goal as i am. i am not interested in getting trashed, or sexy, or showing off the person that im not. I am more interested in gettin silly, making connections, and having the party be a place where i can be the person that i am completely. I have felt very disconnected to the party goers. i feel like some magical substances are being abused, and disrespected and this year i plan on changing the power. the super ravey, drug abusing, trancey vibe is not what i want to be a part of. It is not the lifestyle i want to promote.
I am taking a new direction in my life, and am very very excited about it. About to move into a new house on the beach. Do a lot more writing and reading.
Feeling at peace. In search of truth and love. I had a bad year. I destroyed myself in a lot of ways, and this year i am taking it all back.
2009 has been good to me so far. It started weird. Super weird. Culture shock a little bit. i was humbled though and blessings sometimes come in disguise.
Had a wonderful night with good people. Unfortunately sound went out at the Giza, and Mad Zack and R2 got cut short, but the party lived on at the house. It was interesting. I havent been enjoying the parties lately.
I am ridiculously blessed to have the friends that i do. I am in the company of some wonderful people. I like that i can be friends with the lovely gentlemen that i am friends with, that have changed my life so deeply, and be so greatly respected as a human. I am glad that i am not one of those girls. I am feeling good about the person that i am.
I feel like people are not going to parties with the same goal as i am. i am not interested in getting trashed, or sexy, or showing off the person that im not. I am more interested in gettin silly, making connections, and having the party be a place where i can be the person that i am completely. I have felt very disconnected to the party goers. i feel like some magical substances are being abused, and disrespected and this year i plan on changing the power. the super ravey, drug abusing, trancey vibe is not what i want to be a part of. It is not the lifestyle i want to promote.
I am taking a new direction in my life, and am very very excited about it. About to move into a new house on the beach. Do a lot more writing and reading.
Feeling at peace. In search of truth and love. I had a bad year. I destroyed myself in a lot of ways, and this year i am taking it all back.
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