So. I think that people spend too much time searching for the perfect soul mate, but should really be spending time becoming the perfect soul mate.
Preach through practice.
Things are good. So good. Working on keeping my level regardless of what is going on around me. I feel so at peace. Its beyond happiness i think. beyond excitement. Its just peace. It needs no facial expression or description. It just simply is.
I'm trying to just think without words, and know without thinking.
oh we have so much to learn.
i feel in some way that i was born knowing things that people spend their entire lives trying to figure out. and although it has led me to the darkest places, i never lose the light. i speak in contradictions a lot. but life is made up of them.
i decided to start giving in to the madness. for a long time i was rationalizing everything. because most relationships are not rational. you can talk yourself out of feeling anything for anyone because most of the time it all leads to pain. but it was boring. i felt as though my mind had reached the finish line before my body. im letting myself live.
man. i am really really happy right now. and im not scared. im usually scared when i reach this point. scared that it's too good, and something bad has to follow. but i have faith in this moment. and every moment following.
i find peace just in knowing that certain people exist.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
So I'm not crazy. Too bad it took me this long to figure it out. Theres a person in the world who understands.
Enlightenment
I am a person. I am a human being, a culmination of my mind and body, each working towards a goal, syncranized, and harmonious. I have been on a long journey for enlightenment. The people around me, who have loved me, or hated me, have all watched this journey. They have watched me fall countless times, get lost in self destruction, fall into our materialistic society, and pick myself back up. I have given into myself, and I have given into my surroundings, but throughout all of the struggle, I have kept one goal: peace. Peace is easily preachable. We all want peace. We beg our leaders to make peace in our world, on a societal level, and a political level. But we are all hypocrites. Peace cannot exist in the world around us unless we start with ourselves. Peace is achievable. We cannot hate on our leaders for declaring wars upon other countries for foolish reasons, if we are starting wars and arguments with our loved ones for trivial matters. Reasons that do not exist but are built upon our own insecurities. We are not offended by others if we have strength in who we are. We are all protecting our own feelings, but in doing so, hurting the feelings of the people around us. I am no better than anyone else, and my journey is of equal importance. I am the product of my environment and the natural woman that this world created. My words are simply words, for people to take in the way that they will, and they mean nothing. I cannot teach but through example. Then why am I writing this? I have no idea. I cannot change lives other than through knowing people and learning from them.
I have learned that self acceptance is a constant struggle. I think that the best way to begin your journey, and start learning is by realizing each one of us is a student, as well as a teacher. The student and the teacher are one in the same. Regardless of what level we are at in finding enlightenment, we can and will learn from people at all different levels. We learn from people strengths, they give us motivation and goals. But we learn equally from peoples flaws, which give us equally as much motivation. We all contain both light and dark, and are in search of a way to use them harmoniously rather than allowing them to fight for victory inside of us. Don’t shut out people that you don’t agree with, love them for what they are, and realize that all they are is the best that they can be with the resources that they have had. Rather than preaching to them, or hating them, lead them by example. Show them the way by giving them acceptance. We all want to be accepted, and most of our evils come from feeling unaccepted, awkward, and alone. Sometimes it is hard for us to manifest love for someone who is so different from us. We are all a product of our surroundings. For some of us it is easier to go against the grain and discover what is true, but for others those feelings of being alone still rule over rational thought. We need to be accepting of them and the level they are at. We are all on the same journey, going at different rates, in our own ways. What works for me, may not work for you. We cannot force our methods upon another, we cannot force our words or ideas upon them, but we need to lead by being the person that we think others should be, rather than preaching or destroying the person that they are. All I can do is be what I believe, and lead through example. I will be the best person that I can possibly be.
The first step to enlightenment I think, is letting go of our past. This does not mean forgetting, we do not need to forget the pain or the pleasure because we all know that it has led us to where we are today, and whether or not we like that place, it is our reality. With that in mind, acceptance of our past, and our present allows us to step into the future with a clear mind, and make the changes in ourselves that we want to make. We need to make peace with the people who have hurt us, for they did not mean to hurt us, they are simply on their journey and have made mistakes just as we have. A big part of life is hurting the people that we love. We all do it, whether we mean to or not. Which is what leads me to the next part of this step. Self forgiveness. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we have made in our past, for hurting the people that we have loved, and for hurting ourselves. We all have demons from our past that come out in our present. The distrust that we have in the people around us today, is caused by the people who have broken our trust in the past. We cant let our past emotions rule our present. Human beings are extremely sentimental creatures. We like to reminisce about the good times and the bad. Story telling is a big part of who we are, sharing incidents, to inspire, or entertain. All of which is very important, as long as those incidents and experiences are not destructive to our present life. This step is a hard one. We all have different ways of facing our past, confronting it, with our present minds. But wee cannot completely live in our present state, until we have made peace with our past, and we will never find peace in our future unless we live peace in our current existence.
Step two, Making peace within ourselves. In this step we sometimes have to be selfish so that we can eventually be selfless. Do whatever it takes, to be able to wake up and be okay with the person that you are. Do what you need to do physically to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see. Don’t continue to complain about the weight that you need to lose without taking the steps to make that change. Change does not happen overnight, and this step takes a lot of time and patience. We can all fight this materialistic world, but the fact is, we have a body as well as a mind, and we need to feel peace in our physical form to feel peace emotionally. Sometimes this step means temporarily hurting the people who love us. This may be in the form of leaving home, to go out into the world and learn about it for yourself. The people who love you will be sad to see you go, but unless you discover the world for yourself, you will never be able to step out into it and go in the direction that you want to go, to make the change that you want to make. This is the step in which you learn to be what you believe. Be the person that you want to be, physically, and mentally. We cant have peace with the world and people around us, unless we have peace inside us. Our insecurities, create negative irrational emotions such as anger, and envy. These emotions when acted upon will hurt the people around us for reasons that are trivial. You will not be jealous of another, if you are completely satisfied with the person that you are. This step is mostly about self acceptance, but is also about discovering what matters for you and taking control of your emotions. We all feel the negative emotions, but we need to discover what truly matters to our life, and what is simply trivial. When you feel a negative emotion towards another human, rather than acting upon it immediately, use rational thought to think about it. Why did that person act the way they did to make you angry? Most likely they are not doing it on purpose to make you angry, but odds are they were probably feeling hurt themselves and defended their feelings the best way they knew how. This is where you need to be the bigger person. Rather than being hurt by the way they acted and putting up an immediate wall or jumping to save your own emotions, try to understand the reasons behind their actions. This will help you to find a less hurtful way to handle it. All of these steps are possible, as long as the peace in you is strong enough to not let another person’s actions destroy it. I found that this step is a constant struggle. Once the peace is found it is a constant battle to keep that peace. Change is the only thing constant, and your situation and environment will constantly be changing, so you will need to continue finding your peace and carrying it with you throughout the changes in life.
The third step is impossible unless you have overcome the first two. This step involves letting go of your ego. Destroying the invented idea of the “self”. Realizing that there is no “I”, and it is not about me, or you, but about humanity as a whole, and the role that each human plays as a part of the natural harmony in the world. This step involves taking away all emotional attachment to our material objects. Now that does not mean just going out and giving away everything that we own. To make a change in our world we need to be a part of our world, and to do that we need to live in it, which means working and schooling and whatever else it may require. Those actions all involve material objects to an extent, which is important, but we cannot let those objects affect our emotional state. In other words we cannot count on a material object to create any kind of happiness for us. This step also involves really understanding the idea that it is not about me, it is about all of us. For example, I may not want to go to school, because I would rather go out and do something more pleasurable (partying), but I need to go to school because if I want to reach enlightenment, and live in a world that I want to live in, then I need to go to school to learn about the direction in which I want to go and gain the tools that I need to become successful in our society. Unfortunately it is unlikely that people will take me seriously in this world without that little piece of paper that says I am capable. And although this is a sad truth, it is a truth none the less, and we have to work with the system before we can beat the system. This step has been extremely challenging for me, and I think it is keeping me in a rut. It is taking time to make these changes in my life, and I do not know how long it will take me to overcome this one.
What comes next? I have no idea. Live and learn, time will only tell what takes me closer to my ultimate goal, or if i am even moving forwards or drifting backwards.
These are simply my thoughts and ideas put onto paper. I have no idea if they hold any truth, and I am not expecting them to be valued or followed. I put them into the world for feedback, to learn about what other people think and feel about them. I want to learn from everyone and everything. I don’t know if these steps are in the right order or if they are accurate. They are vague and confusing, but I am equally as confused. I do know that I have forgiven the people in my past who have hurt me and made peace with all the demons that were once in my closet. I also know that although it has nearly destroyed me, I have finally found peace in myself, and that has created peace around me. I found that I was never going to be able to have any kind of peaceful relationship, whether romantic or friendship, unless I was able to be at peace with myself and no longer be owned by my insecurities. This has made a huge impact with my life, and has made living and working with a lot of people so much easier. Although other people’s energy bleeds into me very strongly I have learned to let mine flow into them as well. I have discovered what truly matters to me and what is trivial. There are certain things worth fighting to the bone for, while others are laughable in the real world. People seem to get mad just to get mad. Create drama to fill their time, or place the blame elsewhere so that they do not feel the weight of blame upon themselves and they do not have to deal with the issue at hand. Rather than fight all these things, or let them destroy me, I am working on simply keeping the peace inside my own head. Or maybe I’m just crazy. ☺
Enlightenment
I am a person. I am a human being, a culmination of my mind and body, each working towards a goal, syncranized, and harmonious. I have been on a long journey for enlightenment. The people around me, who have loved me, or hated me, have all watched this journey. They have watched me fall countless times, get lost in self destruction, fall into our materialistic society, and pick myself back up. I have given into myself, and I have given into my surroundings, but throughout all of the struggle, I have kept one goal: peace. Peace is easily preachable. We all want peace. We beg our leaders to make peace in our world, on a societal level, and a political level. But we are all hypocrites. Peace cannot exist in the world around us unless we start with ourselves. Peace is achievable. We cannot hate on our leaders for declaring wars upon other countries for foolish reasons, if we are starting wars and arguments with our loved ones for trivial matters. Reasons that do not exist but are built upon our own insecurities. We are not offended by others if we have strength in who we are. We are all protecting our own feelings, but in doing so, hurting the feelings of the people around us. I am no better than anyone else, and my journey is of equal importance. I am the product of my environment and the natural woman that this world created. My words are simply words, for people to take in the way that they will, and they mean nothing. I cannot teach but through example. Then why am I writing this? I have no idea. I cannot change lives other than through knowing people and learning from them.
I have learned that self acceptance is a constant struggle. I think that the best way to begin your journey, and start learning is by realizing each one of us is a student, as well as a teacher. The student and the teacher are one in the same. Regardless of what level we are at in finding enlightenment, we can and will learn from people at all different levels. We learn from people strengths, they give us motivation and goals. But we learn equally from peoples flaws, which give us equally as much motivation. We all contain both light and dark, and are in search of a way to use them harmoniously rather than allowing them to fight for victory inside of us. Don’t shut out people that you don’t agree with, love them for what they are, and realize that all they are is the best that they can be with the resources that they have had. Rather than preaching to them, or hating them, lead them by example. Show them the way by giving them acceptance. We all want to be accepted, and most of our evils come from feeling unaccepted, awkward, and alone. Sometimes it is hard for us to manifest love for someone who is so different from us. We are all a product of our surroundings. For some of us it is easier to go against the grain and discover what is true, but for others those feelings of being alone still rule over rational thought. We need to be accepting of them and the level they are at. We are all on the same journey, going at different rates, in our own ways. What works for me, may not work for you. We cannot force our methods upon another, we cannot force our words or ideas upon them, but we need to lead by being the person that we think others should be, rather than preaching or destroying the person that they are. All I can do is be what I believe, and lead through example. I will be the best person that I can possibly be.
The first step to enlightenment I think, is letting go of our past. This does not mean forgetting, we do not need to forget the pain or the pleasure because we all know that it has led us to where we are today, and whether or not we like that place, it is our reality. With that in mind, acceptance of our past, and our present allows us to step into the future with a clear mind, and make the changes in ourselves that we want to make. We need to make peace with the people who have hurt us, for they did not mean to hurt us, they are simply on their journey and have made mistakes just as we have. A big part of life is hurting the people that we love. We all do it, whether we mean to or not. Which is what leads me to the next part of this step. Self forgiveness. We need to learn to forgive ourselves for the mistakes that we have made in our past, for hurting the people that we have loved, and for hurting ourselves. We all have demons from our past that come out in our present. The distrust that we have in the people around us today, is caused by the people who have broken our trust in the past. We cant let our past emotions rule our present. Human beings are extremely sentimental creatures. We like to reminisce about the good times and the bad. Story telling is a big part of who we are, sharing incidents, to inspire, or entertain. All of which is very important, as long as those incidents and experiences are not destructive to our present life. This step is a hard one. We all have different ways of facing our past, confronting it, with our present minds. But wee cannot completely live in our present state, until we have made peace with our past, and we will never find peace in our future unless we live peace in our current existence.
Step two, Making peace within ourselves. In this step we sometimes have to be selfish so that we can eventually be selfless. Do whatever it takes, to be able to wake up and be okay with the person that you are. Do what you need to do physically to be able to look in the mirror and like what you see. Don’t continue to complain about the weight that you need to lose without taking the steps to make that change. Change does not happen overnight, and this step takes a lot of time and patience. We can all fight this materialistic world, but the fact is, we have a body as well as a mind, and we need to feel peace in our physical form to feel peace emotionally. Sometimes this step means temporarily hurting the people who love us. This may be in the form of leaving home, to go out into the world and learn about it for yourself. The people who love you will be sad to see you go, but unless you discover the world for yourself, you will never be able to step out into it and go in the direction that you want to go, to make the change that you want to make. This is the step in which you learn to be what you believe. Be the person that you want to be, physically, and mentally. We cant have peace with the world and people around us, unless we have peace inside us. Our insecurities, create negative irrational emotions such as anger, and envy. These emotions when acted upon will hurt the people around us for reasons that are trivial. You will not be jealous of another, if you are completely satisfied with the person that you are. This step is mostly about self acceptance, but is also about discovering what matters for you and taking control of your emotions. We all feel the negative emotions, but we need to discover what truly matters to our life, and what is simply trivial. When you feel a negative emotion towards another human, rather than acting upon it immediately, use rational thought to think about it. Why did that person act the way they did to make you angry? Most likely they are not doing it on purpose to make you angry, but odds are they were probably feeling hurt themselves and defended their feelings the best way they knew how. This is where you need to be the bigger person. Rather than being hurt by the way they acted and putting up an immediate wall or jumping to save your own emotions, try to understand the reasons behind their actions. This will help you to find a less hurtful way to handle it. All of these steps are possible, as long as the peace in you is strong enough to not let another person’s actions destroy it. I found that this step is a constant struggle. Once the peace is found it is a constant battle to keep that peace. Change is the only thing constant, and your situation and environment will constantly be changing, so you will need to continue finding your peace and carrying it with you throughout the changes in life.
The third step is impossible unless you have overcome the first two. This step involves letting go of your ego. Destroying the invented idea of the “self”. Realizing that there is no “I”, and it is not about me, or you, but about humanity as a whole, and the role that each human plays as a part of the natural harmony in the world. This step involves taking away all emotional attachment to our material objects. Now that does not mean just going out and giving away everything that we own. To make a change in our world we need to be a part of our world, and to do that we need to live in it, which means working and schooling and whatever else it may require. Those actions all involve material objects to an extent, which is important, but we cannot let those objects affect our emotional state. In other words we cannot count on a material object to create any kind of happiness for us. This step also involves really understanding the idea that it is not about me, it is about all of us. For example, I may not want to go to school, because I would rather go out and do something more pleasurable (partying), but I need to go to school because if I want to reach enlightenment, and live in a world that I want to live in, then I need to go to school to learn about the direction in which I want to go and gain the tools that I need to become successful in our society. Unfortunately it is unlikely that people will take me seriously in this world without that little piece of paper that says I am capable. And although this is a sad truth, it is a truth none the less, and we have to work with the system before we can beat the system. This step has been extremely challenging for me, and I think it is keeping me in a rut. It is taking time to make these changes in my life, and I do not know how long it will take me to overcome this one.
What comes next? I have no idea. Live and learn, time will only tell what takes me closer to my ultimate goal, or if i am even moving forwards or drifting backwards.
These are simply my thoughts and ideas put onto paper. I have no idea if they hold any truth, and I am not expecting them to be valued or followed. I put them into the world for feedback, to learn about what other people think and feel about them. I want to learn from everyone and everything. I don’t know if these steps are in the right order or if they are accurate. They are vague and confusing, but I am equally as confused. I do know that I have forgiven the people in my past who have hurt me and made peace with all the demons that were once in my closet. I also know that although it has nearly destroyed me, I have finally found peace in myself, and that has created peace around me. I found that I was never going to be able to have any kind of peaceful relationship, whether romantic or friendship, unless I was able to be at peace with myself and no longer be owned by my insecurities. This has made a huge impact with my life, and has made living and working with a lot of people so much easier. Although other people’s energy bleeds into me very strongly I have learned to let mine flow into them as well. I have discovered what truly matters to me and what is trivial. There are certain things worth fighting to the bone for, while others are laughable in the real world. People seem to get mad just to get mad. Create drama to fill their time, or place the blame elsewhere so that they do not feel the weight of blame upon themselves and they do not have to deal with the issue at hand. Rather than fight all these things, or let them destroy me, I am working on simply keeping the peace inside my own head. Or maybe I’m just crazy. ☺
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wow. i havent written in a long time.
I dont know what the max house has done to me. I dont know if it has been positive or negative. I fell in love with a group of people here. but half of them will leave when the lease is up. I feel disgustingly broken hearted about the whole thing. I know they will be back. But who will they be? and who will i be?
i feel selfish, because i know its best for them to leave. Peace. To settle the desire to run. I wish that i could do the same. But i need to finish school.
I have been really depressed over the past few years. Up and down and up and down. Mental breakdowns in my room shaking and crying thinking that i am going absolutely insane. Hoping for someone to step in and take me to a room with padded walls. Faux fur coats, wine, laying in the middle of the street, meaningless touch, dancing, partying, crying, and lying...none of which filled the void. Reality started to curve, and my rational mind faded. It was up or out.
I gave in. Because as high as the highs were, the lows were so much lower, and the highs became so scarce and short lived. I let them medicate me for bipolar disorder. I have been against meds all my life. Up or out. i had to do whatever it took to go up.
I have felt clarity. I feel human. i can sleep, and eat, and wake up and get out of bed in the morning. I realized what i forgot. This isnt about me. It never was. Silly of me to be so selfish. Silly of me to be so ignorant.
I decided to change my life in order to help the ones i love. I picked myself up, right when everyone else fell down. Now i can help them up.
I'm not crazy. That was a giant realization i have recently had. I mean im fucking nuts. But im not crazy. This house has taught me that. I am completely and totally rational in the daily world. I know what matters. I keep the peace, and my mind is honestly open. The way that i think, is nothing more than the way that i think, but as long as it is not destructive in the way that i act to the people around me, then i am okay.
I am in search for some kind of truth. Something real. Love, passion, peace. All of it. Apathy is no more. How did human beings get so off course? I am growing more and more in touch with who i am as a person, and who i am as another leaf in this world. Significantly insignificant.
Im letting myself get hurt, because i let myself love. It fucking sucks. But its real. Im feeling something, and that is all that i have wanted for a long time.
I dont worry about certain people. It's strange. I can't explain the feeling at all. It's a connection stronger than this lifetime. Stronger than life, and stronger than time. Not romantic, not friendship, but soul? Something bigger than the body i think. Communication without words, and understanding without explanation.
Signing onto another year of this madness. New awesome people moving in, max house population growing to 14 i think? Need to find a couple more people. Trying to make peace with losing a couple. nothing is permanent. Its funny the people that come back into our lives. Soul mates of all kinds.
Been dancing, hip and hop and breaking. makin some dough. workin at whole foods. making the best of the repetitive motions. hoping for an epic summer.
best friends baby is on the way. <3
I hope everyone else is doing well. Peace and love.
I dont know what the max house has done to me. I dont know if it has been positive or negative. I fell in love with a group of people here. but half of them will leave when the lease is up. I feel disgustingly broken hearted about the whole thing. I know they will be back. But who will they be? and who will i be?
i feel selfish, because i know its best for them to leave. Peace. To settle the desire to run. I wish that i could do the same. But i need to finish school.
I have been really depressed over the past few years. Up and down and up and down. Mental breakdowns in my room shaking and crying thinking that i am going absolutely insane. Hoping for someone to step in and take me to a room with padded walls. Faux fur coats, wine, laying in the middle of the street, meaningless touch, dancing, partying, crying, and lying...none of which filled the void. Reality started to curve, and my rational mind faded. It was up or out.
I gave in. Because as high as the highs were, the lows were so much lower, and the highs became so scarce and short lived. I let them medicate me for bipolar disorder. I have been against meds all my life. Up or out. i had to do whatever it took to go up.
I have felt clarity. I feel human. i can sleep, and eat, and wake up and get out of bed in the morning. I realized what i forgot. This isnt about me. It never was. Silly of me to be so selfish. Silly of me to be so ignorant.
I decided to change my life in order to help the ones i love. I picked myself up, right when everyone else fell down. Now i can help them up.
I'm not crazy. That was a giant realization i have recently had. I mean im fucking nuts. But im not crazy. This house has taught me that. I am completely and totally rational in the daily world. I know what matters. I keep the peace, and my mind is honestly open. The way that i think, is nothing more than the way that i think, but as long as it is not destructive in the way that i act to the people around me, then i am okay.
I am in search for some kind of truth. Something real. Love, passion, peace. All of it. Apathy is no more. How did human beings get so off course? I am growing more and more in touch with who i am as a person, and who i am as another leaf in this world. Significantly insignificant.
Im letting myself get hurt, because i let myself love. It fucking sucks. But its real. Im feeling something, and that is all that i have wanted for a long time.
I dont worry about certain people. It's strange. I can't explain the feeling at all. It's a connection stronger than this lifetime. Stronger than life, and stronger than time. Not romantic, not friendship, but soul? Something bigger than the body i think. Communication without words, and understanding without explanation.
Signing onto another year of this madness. New awesome people moving in, max house population growing to 14 i think? Need to find a couple more people. Trying to make peace with losing a couple. nothing is permanent. Its funny the people that come back into our lives. Soul mates of all kinds.
Been dancing, hip and hop and breaking. makin some dough. workin at whole foods. making the best of the repetitive motions. hoping for an epic summer.
best friends baby is on the way. <3
I hope everyone else is doing well. Peace and love.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Moved into the Max house.
We have decided to drain the gravity from the house for safe keeping.
I accidently fell in love with everyone at my house. They are amazing. Pictures will come one day i swear.
I started workin with the Santa Cruz Aids Project. Cool things are going to come.
Revolution is on its way.
"Livin the life and spliffin the splife" as said by Miles.
Continue on pushin reality my friends.
I found myself somewhere in this haystack and decided im better off lost.
I am never happier than when I am alone and knowing that I am not alone.
Missssssin the baberz and sistas and the ones from otha mistas. <3
We have decided to drain the gravity from the house for safe keeping.
I accidently fell in love with everyone at my house. They are amazing. Pictures will come one day i swear.
I started workin with the Santa Cruz Aids Project. Cool things are going to come.
Revolution is on its way.
"Livin the life and spliffin the splife" as said by Miles.
Continue on pushin reality my friends.
I found myself somewhere in this haystack and decided im better off lost.
I am never happier than when I am alone and knowing that I am not alone.
Missssssin the baberz and sistas and the ones from otha mistas. <3
Friday, January 30, 2009
everybody's doin it...
Turned 21 homies.
hopped around some bars. quite fun. movin into a new place. check the myspace yo for pictures. been trippin n paintin. super duper fun. going to officially move probably tomorrow.
kinda been going to some silly raver parties. just waitin for the next good night. things have been whacky. a lot of unexpected weird feelings that have kinda tripped me out a little bit. but thats good, need to be thrown out of my element sometimes i suppose.
Sunday nights at Rosie Mccanns..
Paul Sweet Crew, and Counterculture collective present...
The Lab,
hosted by Mad Zach.
starting Feb 8th. Will be rad and super freaky. Everyone will go if you know whats good for you.
I must hunt down mistress Jade and force her to make music with me so we can make an album cuz we are cool like that. Basically jammin with her and Zach is what i need right now.
desperate for a little bit of a change. trying to discover where i want to go from here. So many directions but so lost about which way to go. anyways i guess im still super young, but i feel pressed for time.
A few words...
The last time I looked inside myself I didn’t open my eyes.
I couldn’t make the connection between my mind and body.
They are two separate entities like a rock and a river or a tree and a leaf.
Connected for reasons far beyond my control or understanding.
I know that they are connected because I can feel the physical pain that my emotions have created.
I can remember the taste of nothing and I miss it.
I have watched my body grow from what it was once, to what it is now,
But my awareness of the growing within my mind is less obvious.
I seek it nonetheless.
I seek growth in my mind, to discover truth for what it really is.
I seek the secrets that only water holds because it is part of a cycle that has existed much longer than my own.
It holds nothing back, if I were only looking in the right place.
It would tell me that my existence is the equivalent to a fallen leaf, for it has watched as many humans fall, as I have watched leaves fall from a tree.
Yet I feel purpose and I spend my days in search for some kind of never ending substance to fill my veins.
The earths veins flow freely with water; rivers and waterfalls tickling the silent sand.
Sometimes it is destructive, and other times constructive, but always ending in peace.
I lack the outcome, and my body is filled with wars that are neither destructive or constructive but just simply fight on.
Between my mind and body.
Life that was once so simple, such a gift, destroyed so selfishly.
Another fallen leaf is all I will be.
Next time I look inside myself I will let my eyes open.
I will only see my mind because my body is what lacks purpose.
What could my mind accomplish if I weren’t so lost in my body.
The image that it creates and the reactions that it awaits.
My own judgment is the only enemy, which is created by my mind.
My mind is my enemy to my body.
Two holy units that make up my existence incapable of peace.
Wishing for natures intentions of harmonious coexistence.
Knowing my mind reigns supreme.
I let my body fall.
burning man tickets on sale soon. not going to come fast enough....
hopped around some bars. quite fun. movin into a new place. check the myspace yo for pictures. been trippin n paintin. super duper fun. going to officially move probably tomorrow.
kinda been going to some silly raver parties. just waitin for the next good night. things have been whacky. a lot of unexpected weird feelings that have kinda tripped me out a little bit. but thats good, need to be thrown out of my element sometimes i suppose.
Sunday nights at Rosie Mccanns..
Paul Sweet Crew, and Counterculture collective present...
The Lab,
hosted by Mad Zach.
starting Feb 8th. Will be rad and super freaky. Everyone will go if you know whats good for you.
I must hunt down mistress Jade and force her to make music with me so we can make an album cuz we are cool like that. Basically jammin with her and Zach is what i need right now.
desperate for a little bit of a change. trying to discover where i want to go from here. So many directions but so lost about which way to go. anyways i guess im still super young, but i feel pressed for time.
A few words...
The last time I looked inside myself I didn’t open my eyes.
I couldn’t make the connection between my mind and body.
They are two separate entities like a rock and a river or a tree and a leaf.
Connected for reasons far beyond my control or understanding.
I know that they are connected because I can feel the physical pain that my emotions have created.
I can remember the taste of nothing and I miss it.
I have watched my body grow from what it was once, to what it is now,
But my awareness of the growing within my mind is less obvious.
I seek it nonetheless.
I seek growth in my mind, to discover truth for what it really is.
I seek the secrets that only water holds because it is part of a cycle that has existed much longer than my own.
It holds nothing back, if I were only looking in the right place.
It would tell me that my existence is the equivalent to a fallen leaf, for it has watched as many humans fall, as I have watched leaves fall from a tree.
Yet I feel purpose and I spend my days in search for some kind of never ending substance to fill my veins.
The earths veins flow freely with water; rivers and waterfalls tickling the silent sand.
Sometimes it is destructive, and other times constructive, but always ending in peace.
I lack the outcome, and my body is filled with wars that are neither destructive or constructive but just simply fight on.
Between my mind and body.
Life that was once so simple, such a gift, destroyed so selfishly.
Another fallen leaf is all I will be.
Next time I look inside myself I will let my eyes open.
I will only see my mind because my body is what lacks purpose.
What could my mind accomplish if I weren’t so lost in my body.
The image that it creates and the reactions that it awaits.
My own judgment is the only enemy, which is created by my mind.
My mind is my enemy to my body.
Two holy units that make up my existence incapable of peace.
Wishing for natures intentions of harmonious coexistence.
Knowing my mind reigns supreme.
I let my body fall.
burning man tickets on sale soon. not going to come fast enough....
Saturday, January 17, 2009
pocket fairy and a magicallll wand.
So our birthday party was off the hook. I need to post pictures and videos. It was sooo super silly. turned out to be HUGE, but we held it down. we are getting super good at it. If anyone needs a party thrown, let me know, our crew got it.
All the dj's had new super silly stuff that they made for that night especially which was awesome. Some gangstas showed up as usual, but we made them put neon poof balls on their city hats. So it was good. pushin people out of their element is what we are all about.
Katie and i THREW down. basically we wrote a sick rap about our life here and our homies, and showed it to zack, so he could make some beats when we performed. but he got sSUPER into it, wrote a faaat beat, and had us rehearsing for hours, and digs it, so we are going to be rappin at some more parties i hope? it was awesome. stay tuned on that note.
i love all my friends. more than i could ever imagine. i have always been really blessed with really good friends in my life, and a lot of people that care about me. its awesome. i cant even put words to the feeling i have about my life right now.
its also weird how someone so random can turn into someone so magical for my life right now. but the fortune said so. fortunes dont lie. not on new years day.
i think im going to play hermit for a while. get some things done. gonna start having saturdays off. registered for pretend school today. taking a philosophy and acting class. i want to act, i think i could be good at it. cant wait to move into a new place, and clear my mind. want to take a trip to san fran soon.
but more than anything. i need a week. in the forest. with all the fellas from the dub and sweet crew. in a bubble, with music, and laughter, and maybe tears. we're all in need of it. so bad.
gotta get back into the jive. i think katie and i are going to start using the parties for good. fundraisers for good causes and whatnot.
So i retire from the scene i think, until february 6th. Chinese New Year party at 1015.
awesome line up. cant even wait its going to be craaaazy.
tata for now.
All the dj's had new super silly stuff that they made for that night especially which was awesome. Some gangstas showed up as usual, but we made them put neon poof balls on their city hats. So it was good. pushin people out of their element is what we are all about.
Katie and i THREW down. basically we wrote a sick rap about our life here and our homies, and showed it to zack, so he could make some beats when we performed. but he got sSUPER into it, wrote a faaat beat, and had us rehearsing for hours, and digs it, so we are going to be rappin at some more parties i hope? it was awesome. stay tuned on that note.
i love all my friends. more than i could ever imagine. i have always been really blessed with really good friends in my life, and a lot of people that care about me. its awesome. i cant even put words to the feeling i have about my life right now.
its also weird how someone so random can turn into someone so magical for my life right now. but the fortune said so. fortunes dont lie. not on new years day.
i think im going to play hermit for a while. get some things done. gonna start having saturdays off. registered for pretend school today. taking a philosophy and acting class. i want to act, i think i could be good at it. cant wait to move into a new place, and clear my mind. want to take a trip to san fran soon.
but more than anything. i need a week. in the forest. with all the fellas from the dub and sweet crew. in a bubble, with music, and laughter, and maybe tears. we're all in need of it. so bad.
gotta get back into the jive. i think katie and i are going to start using the parties for good. fundraisers for good causes and whatnot.
So i retire from the scene i think, until february 6th. Chinese New Year party at 1015.
awesome line up. cant even wait its going to be craaaazy.
tata for now.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Words are all i got.
Some pieces i have written here in santa cruz, and old ones from back in the day.
One day i began to take myself apart.
Piece by piece i disassembled what they have built.
My fake hair, and colored nails slowly vanished, and my true awkwardness shown through.
My body became misshaped and my skin paled.
The argument of nature versus nurture has slowly defeated itself.
It has grown to be certain that our true nature has become overridden by this corrupt nurture.
That is what i am attempting to erase.
I am taking myself apart, layer by later until my true nature is revealed,
in search of the woman that i am meant to be, by calling back that child that is still hidden somewhere deep within me.
It is a bold move.
I am utterly disgusted with humanity at this point.
My generation has let me down by accepting the parts they have forced us to play, on this stage that they have so carefully designed for us.
Whether they did it on purpose or not no longer matters, the point is, it is time to shout cut.
Time to take of their perfectly stitched costumes of designer brands, and bloody jewels.
Time to wash our faces clean of dripping mascara and our bodies free of the drugs that numb us.
We need to write our own scripts free of the bibles they handed us, and the technology that has made us stagnant.
I am in search of a solution.
We will push our creativity to the max, encouraging others to think outside the script.
Shock the audience.
Step
Chairs flying with pumpkins and guitars floating through humans
psychic band aids knew where the cuts would be.
They were kind of right all along.
I knew it.
It never really rained but its a good thing we wore helmets.
Its clearly evident that the power lies in the hands of the man at the turn table.
Spinning the spun.
I'm a little bit scared, but more intrigued.
By the madness of the night.
Which was easily forgotten when the sun came up and the light hit our faces.
But the darkness is what exposed who we really are
The light is just another mask.
In a long dark tunnel with no source of light you are vulnerable and left senseless.
But the tiniest flicker can make the connection between your mind and the world.
our bicycles go at different rates
but we all end up at the same place
Someone should really close the front door.
Put the pumpkins back in the basket.
If your confused its just itunes.
step.
pass on the slap.
Old Stuff....
false world. False society set up by contradictory minds. Brilliant in an ignorant and foolish way. Enough understanding to manipulate all the followers. They discovered our weakness. They know our fears. The fear of the judgment of society the fear of failures. They created our failures. They created the money that put us on the streets and they've created the mindless jobs that turn us into drones and put us in houses. To be a drone is to be fearful and to be an outcast is to be brave, although our society sees it as the opposite. They are smart enough to know that as long as fear embellishes, love is not possible. As long as love is out of sight war is made to be a solution. They were smart, the creators of this society, because to love one is to love all, and to love all is to know truth, but to choose to be a part of this society is to have chosen falsity rather than truth. They understood human emotion and how dangerous it is for us to be individuals and speak our minds without their power being questioned. So they invented a false world where they can live their simple thoughtless and emotionless lives with all the wrong riches. They created a world where they will never know truth. As smart as they were, they were more foolish. They were foolish because they now created a world void of real emotion. They have missed out on ever discovering truth. Our society searches for truth in science and mathematics but truth cannot be discovered in our society. Truth can only be discovered when you step outside of our society. Forget your fears because in a false society failure is false as well. Discovery is real and discovery is freedom and discovery is found in truth which is found when we step outside of our manufactured comfort zone. Lets step outside. Lets break free of society. Lets no longer be afraid, and only true to our inner most desires, because our inner most desires can only be pure, for they were not tainted by a false world. There are no good and bad decisions, only decisions and consequences, for good and bad do not exist, except for in the eyes of those running our society. Right and wrong are perception and varies from one discoverer to the next. Follow your heart, but before you do, get to know it. Only when we do this, can we all exist in harmony. Only when we do this, can we find the laziness of peace, and the simplicity of love.
She wakes up each morning so cold and alone.
She always shivers, even when its warm.
To work and back for all hours of the day
Comes home to say goodbye to a friend she wished could stay
Depression takes a toll as all those memories are rushing back
That boy that called her ugly and that girl that took him back
Those nights inside her parents house when her mom had her by her hair
That childhood dream in which her father actually cared
Now she takes a glimpse into her future
And thinks of the boy she presently loves
How he finally made her feel at home
And how shes ashamed of her past even though its done
Regret was never on her mind, no matter who she hurt
Although most of the time she was hurting herself
She still never seemed to care
but then this boy, so familiar from her past
becomes the love of her life, no longer just an old photograph
and now she wishes that every boy she ever kissed
never let her hold him, so what she feels could just exist
shes hesitant with him, so shy to let him love her
because shes scared that maybe hes still dreaming of another,
but if its all true if this feeling is really real
then they could run away, but she knows forever isnt real.
She sees her future as she looks into the night
Bills to pay and jobs to work as the world just continues to fight
She knows shell never have the chance to see the things she wishes
To heal the hate and save the world and take her lovers kisses.
Her head is always playing games, manipulation was like a disease
So when words of truth are spoken, all she sees are fallen leaves.
She looks inside her apartment to the mess upon her floor,
She wishes she could break that mirror, see her reflection no more
It all comes back to her that night, all the pain she ever felt
Its to intense inside her heart and her head wont stop beating
She takes some pills, and takes some more but its not enough
To stop the fears, and stop the thinking, and make herself feel tough.
The only way for her, to finally meet the peace
Is to rest for once in a lifeless somber as days turn into weeks
To rest for a lifetime tangled up in those pink sheets the pain will finally cease
With this in mind she reaches her hand to something
That could end it all and make it all nothing
But then an interruption to these sick little games
A knock at the door, a boy looking for his keys
He looks in her eyes, those familiar tears falling in her hands
Because he watches her cry at night for reasons he doesnt understand
That night he saved her as he lays with her in bed
He doesnt realize what he did for her, what had been going through her head.
That night that boy wasnt suppose to come to her little apartment
Maybe it was fate, just like when they met a year ago
A childhood friend that turned to love and then lifted her from her low
Shell never know the games that life will play on her
Her lifes ups and downs her highs and lows
But her life was never broken and her life wont stay the same
But shell keep playing life, because her life is just a game
One day i began to take myself apart.
Piece by piece i disassembled what they have built.
My fake hair, and colored nails slowly vanished, and my true awkwardness shown through.
My body became misshaped and my skin paled.
The argument of nature versus nurture has slowly defeated itself.
It has grown to be certain that our true nature has become overridden by this corrupt nurture.
That is what i am attempting to erase.
I am taking myself apart, layer by later until my true nature is revealed,
in search of the woman that i am meant to be, by calling back that child that is still hidden somewhere deep within me.
It is a bold move.
I am utterly disgusted with humanity at this point.
My generation has let me down by accepting the parts they have forced us to play, on this stage that they have so carefully designed for us.
Whether they did it on purpose or not no longer matters, the point is, it is time to shout cut.
Time to take of their perfectly stitched costumes of designer brands, and bloody jewels.
Time to wash our faces clean of dripping mascara and our bodies free of the drugs that numb us.
We need to write our own scripts free of the bibles they handed us, and the technology that has made us stagnant.
I am in search of a solution.
We will push our creativity to the max, encouraging others to think outside the script.
Shock the audience.
Step
Chairs flying with pumpkins and guitars floating through humans
psychic band aids knew where the cuts would be.
They were kind of right all along.
I knew it.
It never really rained but its a good thing we wore helmets.
Its clearly evident that the power lies in the hands of the man at the turn table.
Spinning the spun.
I'm a little bit scared, but more intrigued.
By the madness of the night.
Which was easily forgotten when the sun came up and the light hit our faces.
But the darkness is what exposed who we really are
The light is just another mask.
In a long dark tunnel with no source of light you are vulnerable and left senseless.
But the tiniest flicker can make the connection between your mind and the world.
our bicycles go at different rates
but we all end up at the same place
Someone should really close the front door.
Put the pumpkins back in the basket.
If your confused its just itunes.
step.
pass on the slap.
Old Stuff....
false world. False society set up by contradictory minds. Brilliant in an ignorant and foolish way. Enough understanding to manipulate all the followers. They discovered our weakness. They know our fears. The fear of the judgment of society the fear of failures. They created our failures. They created the money that put us on the streets and they've created the mindless jobs that turn us into drones and put us in houses. To be a drone is to be fearful and to be an outcast is to be brave, although our society sees it as the opposite. They are smart enough to know that as long as fear embellishes, love is not possible. As long as love is out of sight war is made to be a solution. They were smart, the creators of this society, because to love one is to love all, and to love all is to know truth, but to choose to be a part of this society is to have chosen falsity rather than truth. They understood human emotion and how dangerous it is for us to be individuals and speak our minds without their power being questioned. So they invented a false world where they can live their simple thoughtless and emotionless lives with all the wrong riches. They created a world where they will never know truth. As smart as they were, they were more foolish. They were foolish because they now created a world void of real emotion. They have missed out on ever discovering truth. Our society searches for truth in science and mathematics but truth cannot be discovered in our society. Truth can only be discovered when you step outside of our society. Forget your fears because in a false society failure is false as well. Discovery is real and discovery is freedom and discovery is found in truth which is found when we step outside of our manufactured comfort zone. Lets step outside. Lets break free of society. Lets no longer be afraid, and only true to our inner most desires, because our inner most desires can only be pure, for they were not tainted by a false world. There are no good and bad decisions, only decisions and consequences, for good and bad do not exist, except for in the eyes of those running our society. Right and wrong are perception and varies from one discoverer to the next. Follow your heart, but before you do, get to know it. Only when we do this, can we all exist in harmony. Only when we do this, can we find the laziness of peace, and the simplicity of love.
She wakes up each morning so cold and alone.
She always shivers, even when its warm.
To work and back for all hours of the day
Comes home to say goodbye to a friend she wished could stay
Depression takes a toll as all those memories are rushing back
That boy that called her ugly and that girl that took him back
Those nights inside her parents house when her mom had her by her hair
That childhood dream in which her father actually cared
Now she takes a glimpse into her future
And thinks of the boy she presently loves
How he finally made her feel at home
And how shes ashamed of her past even though its done
Regret was never on her mind, no matter who she hurt
Although most of the time she was hurting herself
She still never seemed to care
but then this boy, so familiar from her past
becomes the love of her life, no longer just an old photograph
and now she wishes that every boy she ever kissed
never let her hold him, so what she feels could just exist
shes hesitant with him, so shy to let him love her
because shes scared that maybe hes still dreaming of another,
but if its all true if this feeling is really real
then they could run away, but she knows forever isnt real.
She sees her future as she looks into the night
Bills to pay and jobs to work as the world just continues to fight
She knows shell never have the chance to see the things she wishes
To heal the hate and save the world and take her lovers kisses.
Her head is always playing games, manipulation was like a disease
So when words of truth are spoken, all she sees are fallen leaves.
She looks inside her apartment to the mess upon her floor,
She wishes she could break that mirror, see her reflection no more
It all comes back to her that night, all the pain she ever felt
Its to intense inside her heart and her head wont stop beating
She takes some pills, and takes some more but its not enough
To stop the fears, and stop the thinking, and make herself feel tough.
The only way for her, to finally meet the peace
Is to rest for once in a lifeless somber as days turn into weeks
To rest for a lifetime tangled up in those pink sheets the pain will finally cease
With this in mind she reaches her hand to something
That could end it all and make it all nothing
But then an interruption to these sick little games
A knock at the door, a boy looking for his keys
He looks in her eyes, those familiar tears falling in her hands
Because he watches her cry at night for reasons he doesnt understand
That night he saved her as he lays with her in bed
He doesnt realize what he did for her, what had been going through her head.
That night that boy wasnt suppose to come to her little apartment
Maybe it was fate, just like when they met a year ago
A childhood friend that turned to love and then lifted her from her low
Shell never know the games that life will play on her
Her lifes ups and downs her highs and lows
But her life was never broken and her life wont stay the same
But shell keep playing life, because her life is just a game
i realize all i ever write about is how lame our society is. give me some new topics world. i think they are to come......
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