soccer moms and starbucks.

Lost in the forest. The trees have arms that can easily grasp us. They hold more power and strength than we do in our entire body, yet they rest peacefully allowing us to create destruction, or destroy creation.
Our souls are a result of nothingness, and the equation is left unsolved. Our physical beings so easily restrict our minds, yet our thoughts and emotions cannot exist without a body, for a soul is no part of our physical being.
At peace with myself. The soldiers over seas stare into a blank pond, their reflections vacant. But I can finally see my own. But a reflection is only a distraction from what is hidden underneath. And that is what I am really frightened of.
Self destruction has been so simple. Feeling has been so easily forgotten.
Rationalize, and criticize, and then our faults are excused.
Together we leave our egos at the door. A world in which reflections only exist in the eyes of the ones we love. No longer afraid to confront those inner demons that fight the conflicting battles between our alternate personalities.
Most people fear their own minds, as most people should.
Their minds are products of their environments, and the unstable relationships surrounding them.
Never knowing what is really felt, or what one thinks they should feel based on false expectations that our society has created.
The forest is never lonely. The internal battles that rage within the forest are natural and keep nature thriving.
One day I will become a forest. Each limb moving gracefully.
My mind, and body working together in perfect harmony to live as I was created to.
Nothing but human.



i wish that i wrote more often. in such a weird time. attempting something so bold. not many will experience what i have. i have to make the best of it. i have to discover my being.


woke up sick today. i think im allergic to santa clarita. super bummed about not getting to see a bunch of people. but i saw the bots, and i saw auntie joyce and wf fams.

my family is not so bad. i mean, i have put them through hell. but if they only knew what i have put myself through. my mom gives me anxiety, but im learning to deal with it. i feel like peace is achievable on all levels. ready to head back to the cruz. probably sooner than planned.

there are a few things i want to correct in this new year. changes in myself physically, and mentally. needa get myself back in good physical shape, now that i have found mental health. i feel like this year will be one of the best. stay tuned.

Pleather and Gold, uh suck my dick cuz its COLD.

Ello.

Party at cell space was pretty cool. I mean I am basically a little kid, and they had decorate your own sugar cookies and toy mutilation, so it doesnt get much better than that.

Going down to LA in like an hour. Procrastinating on getting shit done before i go down there.

So sick of that drive. Way too excited to see lil Paige, and A-rizz and lil lisa and the bots, and Mouse.

Also set up a sexy dinner date with Joyce and all those other wonderful suckas from the WF days. Those people basically were my parents for the past couple years and who knows who i would have ended up without their guidance. aw.

Consumerism day. I intended on making my family gifts. But like, come on. So stupid. I hate the holidays. Next year i think ill skip em. I mean i guess its cool to like get together with the people you love and have a nice little pow wow. But its pretty pathetic that we need an excuse like christmas to do that. Especially because 5/6 of my family thinks religion is a bunch of bullshit.

did i say that? What i meant to say is blesss you all on this wonderful holiday that has been created in the name of the lord our savior.

Life is chillin right now. Been dabblin in the idea of travelin around for a bit right now while i still can, but i think that will have to wait for summer. Being out of work for so long kinda drained my savings a bit. Plus i have a nice little group of weirdos that i am enjoying hangin with for the moment.

I've also noticed how disconnected and detached from this world i have become. and i kinda like it. I guess always living in big cities it has been near impossible to ignore the ignorance in the world. Especially the cities i was in. But the beauty of Santa Cruz has captured me. I wouldnt mind just getting lost for a while. I have ignored politics. me. ignoring politics? crazy talk. sorry guys but i gotta take a break. It was completely subconscious too. That shit consumed my life for a long time. Im sure it will suck me back in eventually.

Who knows where all of this will take me. I hope nick has a wonderful time in the netherlands, and finds something magical. I hope that everyone important in my life can find some inner peace right now at this weird time. Without peace inside us, i feel like peace will never truly surround us.

Independence is key my friends. We will one day leave this world the same way we entered. Naked, covered in vaginal blood, and alone. Okay well maybe just alone.


or maybe ill just be gypsy.

want to join my traveling circus?

Welcome Friends!

Ahoy there homies. I have created a blog so that all you suckaaas can keep up in my life since i dont get to talk/see you as often as i would like. So all you zepps, and palmer/butlers, and burbanks, and sisters, and cousins best be reading this seeing as i love you enough to take some of my precious time and spend it posting on the internet like a loser. I havent done this since livejournal. what was that...junior year? ha what a silly time in my life.

Anywho, i have made the firm decision not to go to UCSC. Not right now at least. I will extend my leave for the rest of the year, and am planning on taking some writing and philosophy classes at Cabrillo. I have done so many things in my life, just for the sake of doing them, brushing by with no effort and gaining no real reward, and i don't want to do that right now. My head is in a wondrous place and school is going to burn the life out of it. i know i'm super dramatic.

I am currently getting together with some very talented people and collaborating to attempt something super spunky. A friend of mine has a production company that she wants to get going, and along with some producers, dj's, dancers, and costumes hopefully some cool things can go down. its kind of exciting to be able to do something that i really want to do, and spread some beauty in the world.

Santa cruz has done good for me. I hit rock bottom, but today was actually my last therapy session. whooo kendal is no longer losing her fucking mind! well i am, but in a good way. i am learning how to feel again and letting go of a lot. It was a fast transition, but somehow i changed a perception that was embedded in me for the past 20 yrs. i like, dont want to die. weird.

i came here and entered a world of dubstep and kittens, met some beautiful people, and found more beauty in those i already had. i came to peace with myself. its wild. i've never felt it before.

i've decided to just let myself be human. ewww humans are weird. i will continue to drive myself crazy with all the answers that cannot be answered, but that's just who i am.

So this friday is the Winter Solstice Party at Cellspace in San Fran.
Dub Pirates
Rastatronics
Eprom
Little John
An-ten-nae
Tim Monkey
Mozaic
and more.

I will be there with mi amigos, gettin super silly and havin a goood time. See ya!


Also, i will be posting excerpts of novels and such that i have written which i have yet to share with anyone in this world....